I tried to go into the ocean yesterday. I´d go in halfway, water coming up to my waist and then the waves would crash over me hard and I´d remember the Ocean´s power, her sheer strength. Fearfully, I´d back out again into the safety of the sandbank.
Friends would say I am an adventurous person. There are few things I fear, but I guess there is something to be said for almost dying and then going straight to the one who almost drowned you, asking for a soft embrace. The waves crash over me again and I am remembering my body twisting and flipping violently in ways I never thought possible while I, thinking that this was the end, fought for my life against the strength of Her just to see the blue of the sky once more.
I thought I was going to die in that moment. I know now that I was blessed by her. She taught me a powerful lesson that day. She spared my life.
As though saying:
Don´t you dare ever underestimate my power or even for a second think that you, mere human, are stronger than me.
Go forth my child. I spared your life. Now spare mine.
After that trip last April the news of BP´s oil spilll hit. For months we mere consumers watched, completely helpless, as oil spilled out into the Golf of Mexico. We watched the helpless seabirds die covered in oil and pray that an end to this would come soon.
She´d haunt me in my dreams: Your move, Jen…
I kept thinking about hurricanes and tsunamis…something´s gotta give. She will retaliate. We should not underestimate her.
Now, I sit in front of her, watching waves crash over, seabirds fishing, the white foam of the ocean gently caressing the sandbank before retreating.
I am so scared. All at once a breeze blows and the shore becomes a series of white water.
|El Cuyo, Mexico|
|I am here.|
|Not the calm waters I met five years ago…|
I came to this beach in particular because five years ago I came here. These were the most tranquil waters I´d ever seen. I would swim here in the middle of the night. I´d run my hands under water and could see every single ripple. Of course I came here in the month of July then and I guess the ocean is different in January.
These are not the waters I was ever so politely introduced to five years ago, nor is there a beautiful boy with green eyes and the most gorgeous body you ever did see from Veracruz courting me on this beach as there was then, but I had a boyfriend. I always had a boyfriend. Gorgeous boy is married and living in Veracruz now.
Be here now. My initial theme for this journey. What a lesson that is: coming back here and finding that the paradise of my mind is cloudy and the waves too great to swim in. You can´t go back to recreate moments from your past. There is only here and now.
That being said, my time in Merida is up and I´m changing plans and heading somewhere I´d never been before. Time to fly, but also be present while flying.
As for making peace with the Ocean…that story is to be continued…